Armchair Mogul
The (backseat) driving force behind Hollywood. Way behind.

Dec
30

Hey Armchair Moguls…where’ve you been??

That’s the content of all the emails we’ve received over the last couple of months and the simple answer is: Raising babies.

But now that we’ve kinda got a hold of that, it’s time to move on to something truly important –

summer

YES, summertime! Time for all the sudios to – – Oh. It’s December? Already?

Looks like we need to employ a new tact. Prepare your faces for:

one line

Aaaand….GO!

avenge

The only superhero movie that wasn’t afraid to be fun might also be the best.

shadows

Let us know if anybody sees this.

 battleship

Taylor Kitsch continues to star as a guy who can’t land a commercial hit in this film about Transformers without the robots that includes a scene where Rihanna gets beaten up by a menacing adversary and keeps coming back for more.

 expect

What to expect when watching a film based on a guide book? Exactly what you’d expect.

 

mansome

Entertaining, but feels more like a DVD special feature.

 MIB

Saved (barely) by a sweet and unexpected ending, this film proves that Josh Brolin should play Tommy Lee Jones in all future Tommy Lee Jones movies.

 

moonrise

Feels like someone was trying really hard to make a Wes Anderson movie and missed an important ingredient.

 

madagascar

Da da da da da da da da circus, Da da da da da da da da afro circus, afro circus, afro, polka dot, polka, polka dot, afro…

 

prometh

If you can ignore everyone on the Internet arguing about the ins and outs of Ridley Scott’s ALIEN universe, Prometheus is a solid and entertaining Sci-Fi thriller.

 

rock

A love letter to the music of 80’s hair metal bands that fans of 80’s hair metal bands should probably avoid.

 

boy

Andyam Sanmdlerg challenges conventions with a film that dares to ask, does a film have to be funny to be considered a comedy?

 

abe

Steven Spielberg releases one of the most impactful and satisfying films of his career about five months after this, um, movie.

 

brave

Turns out it’s about bears…guess Disney figured no one wanted to see a movie about an animated bear.

 

ted

This smash hit movie about an animated bear was hands down the funniest movie of 2012 and should be watched with a large group of intoxicated people.

spiderman

Everyone’s favorite dark and brooding superhero is back to lurk in the shadows and strike fear in the hearts of criminals…only now he’s Spider-Man. Wait, what?

dark knight

Celebrate now, plothole fans – history will not be kind to this.

hope

Tommy Lee Jones literally and figuratively shrinks like a dying boner when he tries to look at Meryl Streep while doing it – which would not have happened if he had been Josh Brolin.

bourne

Matt Damon stars as an ex-secret agent who knows when something has run its course.

 

total recall

Schwarzenegger casts such a BIG shadow, that audiences overlooked a pretty fun ride.

dredd

Stallone casts such a BIG shadow, that audiences overlooked a pretty fun ride.

expendable

Schwarzenegger and Stallone cast such BIG shadows because they’ve doubled in size…maybe they should call this franchise The Expandables. Bazinga.

But that’s just us. What’d you guys think of summer 2012?

Nov
02

The nerdgasm heard throughout the world happened this week… George Lucas has sold the Star Wars franchise to Disney for close to $4 Billion dollars. The most intriguing part of this story was not that the franchise was sold but the announcement that came soon after…

“Disney included their plans to release Star Wars Episode VII in the summer of 2015, and more movies following every 2 to 3 years.”

This …of course… has the entire internet aflutter as to what that could mean. There has even been speculation of bringing back the original cast for a trilogy based many years after the originals. Actor Mark Hamill recently talked to joblo.com about a secret meeting he had with Lucas a few months ago. http://www.joblo.com/movie-news/mark-hamill-talks-about-meeting-with-george-lucas-about-the-new-star-wars-trilogy

So now that Lucas is out, who do we want to direct these new movies? Well, it is 100% up to you Moguls, because Disney comes to this blog EXCLUSIVELY for all of their answers. Pick the top two or three choices you think would best make this new trilogy in less than 5 parsecs…

May
03

We have officially completed phase two of “PROJECT: TOTAL INTERNET ENTERTAINMENT DOMINATION.”

 

We are very happy to introduce Armchair Music Mogul!

http://www.armchairmusicmogul.com/

If you have enjoyed our random musings and reviews of “all things Hollywood,” please check out our “all things Music” site that was just launched today!

We look forward to the great things that are coming up in the Armchairverse as we expand and do some updates all around, we hope you’ll take the trip with us!

Check us out and subscribe!

Mar
16

“Meh, it was ok. The book was soooo much better.”   – Most of us at some point in life

Fanboys, I’m going to raise a question you’re probably not going to like. As we find ourselves finished with all the Harry Potter Movies, we are rapidly approaching the release of The Hunger Games with hopeful optimism; it’s got me quite pensive (excuse the expression.)

I have recently had the discussion with myself as to whether I will allow myself to pick the Hunger Games apart based on how much I love the novels. Is that a standard thing everyone goes through?

I would probably say with confidence that 80-90% of the movie goers out there have said, (or would agree at least) “It’s impossible to fit a 700 page novel into a 2 hour movie.” That seems to be understood for the most part. The main sources of debate come from what they actually left in the story or what they left out.

I remember finding myself talking to people who LOVED the first Harry Potter movie, and I found the urge to not let them enjoy it as much as they did. “Dude, you think you liked the movie? THE BOOK IS SO MUCH BETTER!” That extends past the realm of fanboy complaint of material and more of a jerky “Why can’t I just allow people to like it on it’s own merit?”

The question I present to you is… “The book was so much better.” still a valid complaint?

Is that like saying …a love song that was inspired by a relationship wasn’t as good as the relationship itself?

Even though we KNOW that they won’t be able to fit everything in the book into the movie, should we allow a movie to stand on it’s own, and let people who have never read the book simply enjoy it on it’s own?

Can you judge two separate mediums separately, completely on their own merit?

Discuss below, Moguls! Let’s sort this out for humanity once and for all.

Mar
08

Happy International Women’s Day!

We at the Armchair offices were planning to celebrate by looking at pictures of international women all day, but after realizing we had misinterpreted a couple of things, we decided instead to post a tribute to some ladies who best represent gender equality in the world of geekdom.

Let’s start the countdown….!

5. Zoe Washburne

 

Fierce wife and a loving fighter – wait…other way around…! Either way, Gina Torres’ turn as Zoe on the short lived, but much loved Firefly and follow up film Serenity has earned her a devoted fanbase. And with good reason – Zoe is the perfect combination of sweet and sour, showing incredible devotion to her husband, her captain, her ship and her duty – even when they conflict.

 

4. Hermione Granger

 

 

 

Yes, Hermione. Unlike Harry, who was born to be a great wizard in prophecies and such, Hermione earned her way there. Through tireless studies and an insane work ethic, we watched her grow from bookworm to wizarding legend without gender being an obstacle or advantage. And, yes, Emma Watson killed it.

 

3. Sarah Conner

 

 

 

Obviously, Linda Hamilton’s classic role is going to be on this list. Who would have guessed that the meek and fearful human target from Terminator, could turn into the steely eyed survivor woman we saw in T2?

 

2. Buffy Summers

 

 

 

In a time when “gender equality” looked like this:

Buffy dusted vampires, fought for her friends and saved humanity, all while keeping her clothes on. And few actresses could pull off the smooth transition from wide-eyed teenager to battle hardened warrior the way Sarah Mchelle Gellar did.

1. Ellen Ripley

 

 

Ripley is a character that endures because she evolved in a primal way. She started as a virginal “final girl” in Alien, and transformed into the madonna – a furiously protective mother by the end of the nail-biting sequel Aliens. To top it off, Sigourney pulled both roles off in a way that few could have.

 

Mar
08

The Lone Ranger “reimagining” (starring Johnny Depp) has been in development hell for quite some time, but it has finally started production!

Why, God? Why?

Now, I consider myself pretty “movie savvy,” but even I was pretty taken aback when I saw that Depp was NOT  playing The Ranger himself, but TONTO?

What? Why?

Are there seriously no Native American actors left on the planet to play one of the most Native American roles in history?
And why does the mask make Armie Hammer look like Jamie Kennedy?

 HI HO SILVER AWAY!

What do you think, Moguls?

Mar
03

Moguls, did you ever stare in fright at Darth Vader’s menacing mask, or wanted to hug the big furry form of Chewbacca? Did you gaze into the gold-plated form of C-3PO or want your own R2D2 as a best friend? Does E.T.’s ship and all the aliens and ships in Close Encounters of the Third Kind still hold a special place in your heart?

Well you can thank Ralph McQuarrie for his amazing designs. Today, we are very sad to report that he has passed away.

According to Wikipedia: “In 1975, George Lucas commissioned McQuarrie to illustrate several scenes from the script of the film, Star Wars. McQuarrie designed many of the characters, including Darth Vader and Chewbacca and drew many concepts for the film’s sets.McQuarrie’s concept paintings, including such scenes as R2-D2 and C3PO arriving on Tatooine, helped convince 20th Century Fox to fund Star Wars which became a huge success upon release in 1977.Neil Kendricks of The San Diego Union-Tribune stated McQuarrie “holds a unique position when it comes to defining much of the look of the “Star Wars” universe”

McQuarrie went on to work as the conceptual designer on the film’s two sequels The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi.

McQuarrie also designed the alien ships in Steven Spielberg’s films Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977) and E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial (1982), while his work as the conceptual artist on the 1985 film Cocoon earned him the Academy Award for Visual Effects.

Rick McCallum offered McQuarrie a role as designer for the Star Wars prequel trilogy, but he rejected the offer, noting he had “run out of steam”

McQuarrie designed some of the most loved movies in history, including the Star Wars Trilogy, Close Encounters, Raiders of the Lost Ark, E.T., Cocoon, Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home, Batteries Not Included and Jurassic Park.

God bless you, Ralph and thank you for all of your amazing designs.

Feb
10

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Looks like you reached our old site! Click here to read this very article on our new and improved site, featuring up to date articles and our new ArmchairMogul Podcast!

Disney’s Special Agent Oso is a teddy bear that is in training to become a spy (akin to James Bond) for U.N.I.Q.U.E, a super secret Government Agency where… things happen …or something. Nobody really knows. Spy stuff.

The problem is, Special Agent Oso is kind of an idiot.

Special Agent Oso is a Moron

This becomes a problem because in each episode, he is put in charge of teaching equally ‘challenged’  children important life lessons.

There are many episodes… and of course, many important life lessons learned… but we at Armchair thought we’d share the most important ones WE have learned from our favorite kid’s show… Special Agent Oso.

Lesson 1: Parents Couldn’t POSSIBLY Care Less about Their Kids:

The show always starts with a child on the other side of the planet from Oso, unblinkingly staring at a normal household object.

This is because the brain-dead little punk has once again forgotten how to do something that humans know how to do at the moment of birth. Timmy COULD ask his parents to help, but the parents on this show really couldn’t care less about their children’s well-being. They are WAY too busy doing stuff to be answering stupid questions.

Timmy: “Daddy, I forgot how to chew my own food, can you help me?”

Dad: (not even looking up): “Well jeez son, I would love to, but I don’t care enough to stop washing this one dish over and over again. Then I have to go read the paper. You’re on your own, kid. You will be for the rest of your life.”

Timmy: “I wish I knew how to chew my own food, I’m so hungry.”

(Spy Music Interlude)

We then cut to Oso doing spy stuff somewhere in the world, and because the child’s parent “Has to finish watching the Microwave cook the food first” or “finish standing out in the front yard first,” he is commanded by Mr. Dos to RUSH to their aid.

Mr. Dos: “Special Agent Oso, you are clearly all the way on the opposite side of the planet, but we want you to go to New Jersey to help Timmy eat before his Dad is done reading the paper.”

Oso: “Mr. Dos… I would think that by the time I get on the plane it will have worked itself out, so why d…”

Mr. Dos: “SILENCE! You need to go to Timmy’s house immediately!”

Oso: “Ok!”

Mr. Dos: “Hurry, Oso. Timmy only has about 17 minutes left to live!”

Oso: “But how am I going to…”

Mr. Dos: “JUST GO!”

Oso: “OK!”

Oso: “You mean I was just ON THE MOON …and I came all the way down here …and your Dad is sitting right next to you? I was ON A (&%$*#) MOONBASE! DO YOU KNOW HOW COOL THAT WAS? HEY DAD!!! HOW ABOUT YOU CARE FOR YOUR OWN KID… COME AT ME BRO! COME AT ME!”
 

Lesson 2: Mr. Dos is Watching You Poop

Mr. Dos finds out which kids need help because of the Shutterbugs, (Ladybug Robots with cameras)  which have illegally broken into houses across the planet, and has begun filming your family as they get dressed and ready for work.  Shutterbug then sends these candid videos to Oso’s Boss ‘Mr. Dos,’  via satellite for him to watch in his office alone.

This is especially creepy in the episode titled License to Dress in which Shutterbug finds out that a little boy Frank can’t dress on his own. Oso runs over there immediately and they get dressed together.
Mom: ”Special Agent Oso! Thank you for breaking into my house and filming my son get dressed! I was busy in the other room rearranging the pillows on the couch!”
 

Lesson 3: All is Forgiven if You Say “It’s All Part of the Plan…More or Less”

Also in each episode, in a fever of stupidity, Oso ends up destroying billions of dollars of military and government grade equipment, because he doesn’t listen to instructions.

After destroying 3 years of research and 36 people die in a fiery explosion, Oso says:

“It’s all part of the plan…more or less” (followed by a “Wooomp woooomp” trombone sound) and the episode continues like nothing ever happened.

Wolfie: “Okay Agent Oso, today we are going to learn how to wash the outside of your Spy Train, R.R. Rapide! Make sure and pay attention, because for some reason someone put the “Water” button right next to the “Hammer of The Gods” Atomic Nuclear Weapon button side by side.

Now remember, the blue button turns on the water spigot, the red button will bring a nuclear holocaust across western Europe and will kill billions of people.”

Oso: (Looks at Camera) “I forgot, which button did he tell me to push?”

Wolfie: “Oso, I’m standing right here and I just told you not to..”

Oso: “I like the color red let’s push that!”

Wolfie: “FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST, DON’T P….

Oso: It’s all part of the plan… more or less. (Wooomp wooomp)

Mr. Dos: ”Special Agent Oso, Mr. Dos here, preliminary reports indicate that you have just killed 72 million people… but Cindy in Southern Nevada needs help wiping her mouth with a napkin! Get there immediately and help out!”

Oso: “Yes Sir!”

(Spy Music Interlude)

Lesson 4: Oso is An Unholy Abomination

Special Agent Oso is described as a “Unique Stuffed Bear.”

In a scene that could have been one of the best examples of Modern Existentialism,  Oso came face to face with a lifeless stuffed animal.

Alas, because he is incapable of having a soul or feelings, it didn’t phase him. But it does bring up the question “How did he get this way?”

He is a “Unique Stuffed Bear.” Stuffed with what? Human organs and electricity? Witchcraft?

The fact that he was built in a lab using human organs and felt material, would explain why he is not fully capable of intelligence.

A typical teaching moment with Oso goes like this:

(Paw Pilot teaches Timmy and Oso how to chew their own food…)

Step 1: Open your mouth!

Oso: Wow, that’s sounds tricky! What’s a mouth?

Timmy: I don’t know! I’m so hungry!

Oso: “Is this a mouth?” Oso points at his ear. “No! That’s an ear!”

“Is this a mouth?” Oso points his foot. “No! That’s a foot!”

“Is this a mouth?” Oso points at the dog. “No! That’s a dog!”

“Is this a mouth?” Oso points to the sky. “No! That’s the sky!”

“Is this a mouth?…”

Paw Pilot: “Oh FOR CHRIST’S SAKE! It’s the hole under your nose!”

Oso: “OOOOOH! That’s my mouth!”

………………………………

In closing, there is only one conclusion:

Mr. Dos’ Spy Organization should be cut from their funding and shut down under the Obama Administration, and Oso should be decommissioned and stuffed with normal stuffed bear parts.

 

 

Feb
08

I dunno, man.

I’m trying. I really am, but…this…this can’t be right, right?

Right?

Jan
05

As some of you know, The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepare a 2011 annual report for their blogs.

We at the Armchair thought it’d be fun to share last year’s stats with you guys. Enjoy!

(oh, and make sure you click the link at the bottom or this’ll be a real short trip)

Here’s an excerpt:

The Louvre Museum has 8.5 million visitors per year. This blog was viewed about 77,000 times in 2011. If it were an exhibit at the Louvre Museum, it would take about 3 days for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.