The 2012 CHAIRY AWARDS!!
Yup! It’s time for the FOURTH annual Chairy Awards!! It’s time for us to look back at all the things we decided to spend our hard-earned money on and put off re-thinking our financial priorities for just a few minutes more.
And since he’s not mentioned in our awards, we’ll go ahead and make Psy our official mascot, mere hours before his supposed “final” performance of “Gangnam Style” on new Years Rockin’ Eve. Here’s his beautiful mug:
See? Who says we hate everything? And now let’s hand out some awards….!
Most Effective Accidental Ad Campaign: Oh My Damn
This guy just runs around doing what he loves – and we love him for it…! 5 Guys Burgers & Fries WISHES they came up with this!
Worst Network Campaign: NBC – Thank Grimm it’s Friday
A whole lotta salary went into this. We’d love to see the list of slogans they rejected…!
No, THIS Is the Worst Network Campaign: Fox – Laugh your Fox Off
Presumably from the creators of “It’s da Boom” – remember that gem?
You’re Both Wrong, THIS Is the Worst Network Campaign: NBC – We Peacock (huh?) Comedy
Worst Title Change: Disney – John Carter.
Apparently John Carter of Mars was deemed too informative.
Worst Attempt At Creating A Buzzword: Brighthouse with “Moredinary”.
Dear Brighthouse, we get that you’re trying to say that your service is even better than ordinary. But not only does the “moredinary” effect backfire in that it evokes the phrase “more ordinary” in the reader’s mind, it completely disregards the fact that there’s already a perfectly viable word for sentiment. Therefore, we find your buzzword extraordinarily annoying.
Biggest Buzzword Stretch: Fox with “Adorkable”.
Rolls off the tongue. Like saliva.
Most Clichés In a Trailer: Lockout.
Let’s check ‘em off: “world’s most secure prison”, “planet’s deadliest criminals”, “President’s daughter is endangered”, “there’s only one man who can get her out”, “he’s the best there is”, “he’s a loose cannon”, “I hate heights”, “trust me on this” – see if you can spot the rest!
Not Sure If Serious: Chanel’s Brad Pitt spot
This has GOT to be parody…right???
Most Heart-String Tuggin’: Google Chrome.
Why does the room always get so blurry when we watch these ads?
Johnny-come-lately: iPhone 5
Most of iPhone 5’s new features (panoramic shots, surfing the Web while talking, larger screens) have been available on Android for the last two years.
Best Comeback Ad: Samsung Galaxy S3
This spin job on Apple’s successful patent lawsuit is genius in its purest form.
Worst Tagline: LOL – You can change your status, but not your heart.
So bad, it was actually hilarious. So hilarious, it was kinda good. So good, it should probably be awarded with, aw hell, You know what…
Best Tagline: LOL – You can change your status, but not your heart.
PLEASE MAKE IT STOP: The Office.
You know those zombie movies where your friend was bitten and is slowly and painfully changing into something so horrific that he’s virtually unrecognizable from the person he once was and you know putting a bullet in their head is the only merciful thing to do. It’s like that.
Dirtiest Thing On Network TV: The Good Wife – ice cream cone scene.
Now that’s what we call a sticky situation.
Icing On The Cake: Jersey Shore’s series finale. In this episode “the Situation” eats a cake baked for him by a vengeful ex, only to discover later that the cake previously served as someone’s testicle sofa. If that tea-bagging isn’t a metaphor for the effect this show’s had on society, we don’t know what is. Crap. Shoulda saved that sticky “Situation” bit, this one was better.
Every New Episode Is Better Than the Previous Two Seasons Combined: Season 3 of The Walking Dead
Funnier Than You Think: Bob’s Burgers
Not As Funny As You Think: Two Broke Girls
Most Tears Shed Per Capita: Parenthood
Tiniest Plot Twist: Gossip Girl was Dan.
Oh. Em. Gee.
MVP: Joss Whedon
What can we say? Dude stuck the landing. Nuff said.
Easiest Subject Matter with Worst Execution: The Watch
How do you mess up the premise of four comedians in a neighborhood watch during an alien invasion? We have the answer but it’s 102 minutes long.
Toughest Subject Matter with Best Execution: Cloud Atlas
Can’t summarize it, but we liked it.
Sore Thumb Award: Russell Crowe – Les Miserables
There, out in the darkness…a fugitive running. Fallen from God. Fallen from grace.
Jude Law Award: Tie – Tyler Perry and Joseph Gordon-Levitt
This award is given to someone who somehow managed to star in every movie at the same time. Perry managed to STAR in Good Deeds, Alex Cross and Madea’s Witness Protection, while Gordon-Levitt gave us Looper, Premium Rush, The Dark Knight Rises AND Lincoln! Meanwhile, we posted, like, four times this year.
Best Bad Guy: Mama (Dredd 3D)
Seriously, she is SOOO scary…! Did you HEAR how she got to be head of her cartel?!?! YIKES!!
Worst Bad Guy: The Lizard (The Amazing Spider-Man)
What’s your plan? Turn everyone into lizards? Why again?
The FayanubitYayonDeTeepundo Award: Dark Knight Rises
Between Bane, Batman, a hospitalized Jim Gordon and that guy in Bruce Wayne’s prison, we couldn’t understand ANYTHING THAT WAS SAID IN THIS FILM.
Bad Moon Rising: Brave
Pixar won a Combo Breaker Award last year for breaking a winning streak with the uninspired Cars 2. This year’s offering, Brave, was no great shakes either. We hope this trend stops soon…!
That. Just. Happened.: Oogieloves
Best Time At The Movies: Wreck-It Ralph
Are you sure this film and Brave weren’t switched at birth?
Comeback Kid: Bond-Jmes-Bond in Skyfall
Now THAT’S to bounce back from a bad flick! Please, everyone help yourselves to some solace. In whatever quantum you prefer.
Most Unintentionally Porny name: Jack Reacher
Honorable mentions: The Hole, Frankenweenie, Here Comes the Boom, Hitchcock
Abort! Abort!: GI..Joe: Retaliation
Sometimes it’s better to just get something over with. Putting it off only raises the stakes…!
Combo Breaker: Piranha 3DD
What a disappointment. Instead of a fun horror movie, we got a horrible comedy.
Army Recruitment Effort Disguised As a Movie: Act of Valor
Best Remake: 21 Jump Street
Worst Remake: Three Stooges
Best Use Of 3D: Dredd 3D
Druggies in this film use something called slo-mo, which makes time appear to move at a fraction of its normal speed – and the effect was mesmerizing – especially during the action scenes!
Most Meta: Cabin in the Woods
Most satisfying Fight: Hulk vs. Loki
Least Satisfying Fight: Debbie vs. Pete
The constant bickering in This is 40 never felt very genuine or amounted to anything. Puny marriage.
10 Foot Pole: Magic Mike
As in, guys wouldn’t touch this movie with one, the actors in this movie dance on one, and probably a couple of other jokes that shouldn’t be made in mixed company as well.
WHO IS WATCHING THESE??: Resident Evil: Retribution
They’re wise to refrain from numbering these. No one wants to know how many Oreos they actually ate.
Most Overused Weapon: Archery
Katniss (Hunger Games,) Hawkeye (Avengers,) Merida (Brave,) Green Arrow (CW’s Arrow,) Charlie Matheson (NBC’s REVOLUTION)
Most Overused Joke: Princess Leia as a Disney princess
Most Overused Arena: A locked building filled with criminals – The Raid, Dredd 3D, Lockdown
Most Overused Genre: Fairy Tales – Mirror, Mirror, Snow White and the Huntsman, Once Upon a Time, Grimm
Acceptable Mom Porn: 50 Shades of Grey, Magic Mike
Most Overused Title Theme: Gone, Stolen, Taken 2.
We’re looking forward to 2013’s releases of Misplaced, Astray, No-Show and Gonsies.
Most Desperate Move: The re-release of once-popular films
Beauty and the Beast, Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, Titanic, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Finding Nemo, E.T., Halloween, Monsters Inc.
That’s it Moguls! And thanks for sitting through our extended hiatus.
Our prediction for next year, get ready for a LOT of talk about “Luck” in 2013.
Until then, sit back, relax and call the shots!