Armchair Mogul
The (backseat) driving force behind Hollywood. Way behind.

ONE LINE REVIEWS


Hey Armchair Moguls…where’ve you been??

That’s the content of all the emails we’ve received over the last couple of months and the simple answer is: Raising babies.

But now that we’ve kinda got a hold of that, it’s time to move on to something truly important –

summer

YES, summertime! Time for all the sudios to – – Oh. It’s December? Already?

Looks like we need to employ a new tact. Prepare your faces for:

one line

Aaaand….GO!

avenge

The only superhero movie that wasn’t afraid to be fun might also be the best.

shadows

Let us know if anybody sees this.

 battleship

Taylor Kitsch continues to star as a guy who can’t land a commercial hit in this film about Transformers without the robots that includes a scene where Rihanna gets beaten up by a menacing adversary and keeps coming back for more.

 expect

What to expect when watching a film based on a guide book? Exactly what you’d expect.

 

mansome

Entertaining, but feels more like a DVD special feature.

 MIB

Saved (barely) by a sweet and unexpected ending, this film proves that Josh Brolin should play Tommy Lee Jones in all future Tommy Lee Jones movies.

 

moonrise

Feels like someone was trying really hard to make a Wes Anderson movie and missed an important ingredient.

 

madagascar

Da da da da da da da da circus, Da da da da da da da da afro circus, afro circus, afro, polka dot, polka, polka dot, afro…

 

prometh

If you can ignore everyone on the Internet arguing about the ins and outs of Ridley Scott’s ALIEN universe, Prometheus is a solid and entertaining Sci-Fi thriller.

 

rock

A love letter to the music of 80’s hair metal bands that fans of 80’s hair metal bands should probably avoid.

 

boy

Andyam Sanmdlerg challenges conventions with a film that dares to ask, does a film have to be funny to be considered a comedy?

 

abe

Steven Spielberg releases one of the most impactful and satisfying films of his career about five months after this, um, movie.

 

brave

Turns out it’s about bears…guess Disney figured no one wanted to see a movie about an animated bear.

 

ted

This smash hit movie about an animated bear was hands down the funniest movie of 2012 and should be watched with a large group of intoxicated people.

spiderman

Everyone’s favorite dark and brooding superhero is back to lurk in the shadows and strike fear in the hearts of criminals…only now he’s Spider-Man. Wait, what?

dark knight

Celebrate now, plothole fans – history will not be kind to this.

hope

Tommy Lee Jones literally and figuratively shrinks like a dying boner when he tries to look at Meryl Streep while doing it – which would not have happened if he had been Josh Brolin.

bourne

Matt Damon stars as an ex-secret agent who knows when something has run its course.

 

total recall

Schwarzenegger casts such a BIG shadow, that audiences overlooked a pretty fun ride.

dredd

Stallone casts such a BIG shadow, that audiences overlooked a pretty fun ride.

expendable

Schwarzenegger and Stallone cast such BIG shadows because they’ve doubled in size…maybe they should call this franchise The Expandables. Bazinga.

But that’s just us. What’d you guys think of summer 2012?

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One Response to “ONE LINE REVIEWS”

  1. Of those you reviewed, I only saw Avengers (AWESOME!) and Spider-man (meh) during the summer. I recently saw (and enjoyed) each of the following: Battleship, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, Total Recall and Dredd. I am planning on Prometheus and Bourne Legacy for my next sick day…


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