The 2011 CHAIRY AWARDS!!
It’s that time again…! Once again we roll credits on yet another year of Hollywood hits and misses where we, the moguls of media, get to sit back, relax and call the shots on the best and worst movies, TV shows, characters and pop culture moments 2011 had to offer.
And now, without further stalling for time, let’s hand out some awards!
Who’s Laughing Now: Rebecca Black
Sure, we all had our laughs. But even after making over $1 million on her viral “hit” “Friday”, she signed a deal with Kohl’s to repurpose the song into a Black Friday ad. You’d think after all these years of watching teen movies, we’d know by now not to laugh at the awkward girl with big dreams.
On Minute 28 of Her Fifteen Minutes: Kim Kardashian
For someone who started her career as a professional party-goer’s BFF with nothing on her resume but a sex tape, Kim Kardashian has done pretty well for herself and her raven-haired clan. But really, how long can this go on? She broke her last contract after 72 days…
Most Money Made on a Psychotic Breakdown: Charlie Sheen
Also awarded a Chairy for the “Most catchphrases generated by a psychotic breakdown.”
The Most Popular Character in the World That Americans Have Never Heard Of: Tintin
The FayanubitYayonDeTeepundo Award: Sofia Vergara
(Don’t worry, we can’t understand it either)
Go Have a Cheeseburger, Already: (Tie) Seth Rogen, Jonah Hill
We don’t know why, but we just can’t accept this as a permanent thing. It’s like finding a penny standing on its side. Just a matter of time….
Best Laugh: Ricky Gervais
Worst Laugh: Ricky Gervais
Worst Tagline: The Sitter
“The world’s worse babysitter is about to meet his match.” Now, wait. Wouldn’t that be…ANYBODY?? What if the world’s worst tennis player was about to meet his match? How would that be a movie? Come on, people, don’t just go with your first idea…
Back to the Drawing Board: Wendy’s, Dominoes pizza
Is it us, or does the new “sorry we’ve been doing it wrong” approach feel very un-American?
Most Annoying Title: (tie) Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy, Martha Marcy May Marlene
Least Ambitious Marketing Campaign: Rango
According to Rango’s ad campaign, this film might as well have been Johnny Depp’s voiceover demo reel.
Most On the Nose Movie Title: (Tie) Hobo With a Shotgun, Cowboys Vs. Aliens
Best Character: Ron Swanson, Parks and Recreation
An old world craftsman with a penchant for whiskey, breakfast foods, brunettes and privacy. We loved that he thinks of birthday parties as people celebrating having personal information about him. Our favorite quote: “On my deathbed, my final wish is to have my ex-wives rush to my side so I can use my dying breath to tell them both to go to hell one last time.”
End of an Era: Michael Scott
We haven’t loved a TV character this much in a long time. And now he’s gone. It’ll take a big man to fill that void. That’s what she…*sniff*…that’s…sorry…it’s just too painful.
Student Surpasses the Master: Parks and Recreation
What The Office now lacks in heart and genuine laughs, Parks and Rec MORE than makes up for. We’ll take one ticket from Scranton to Pawnee, please. No, one way is fine.
Quit Hogging All the Awards: Mad Men
Quit Hogging All the Water Cooler Talk: Breaking Bad
Just Quit: Jersey Shore
Didn’t Realize He was in a Crappy Movie: Mark Strong, Green Lantern
He acted his heart out but everyone else just let him down.
Jude Law Award: Ryan Gosling
Remember in 2004, when Jude Law was in I Heart Huckabees, Sky Captain, Alfie, Closer, The Aviator and A Series of Unfortunate Events? That was Ryan Gosling this year.
Movie You Don’t Want to Admit to Not Loving: Super 8
Movie You Were Disappointed You Couldn’t Make Fun of: Rise of the Planet of the Apes
Fantastic Four Award: Thor
This is the award we give to films with the lowest stakes. Remember how in the first Fantastic Four movie, there were ZERO consequences if Dr. Doom won? Well, at the end of Thor, if Loki won, the Frost Giants (you know, the bad guys) would’ve been destroyed and earth would go on unaffected. Soooo….yeah. None stakes there.
Best Looking Sonuvabitch Around: George Clooney
Seriously, did anything happen in The Descendants? All I remember was thinking “damn, that is one handsome man” for 115 minutes.
‘Alright … Enough…. Seriously… Pack It Up’ Award: Big Momma’s House: Like Father Like Son
Best Usage of the “Find and Replace” Feature in Final Draft: The Hangover: Part II
Best Movie Written at a 14 Year old Nerd’s Sleepover: Suckerpunch
Combo Breaker Award: Cars 2
We give this award to anyone whose latest film breaks an impressive winning streak. This year, sadly, it goes to Pixar’s uninspired sequel, Cars 2. Financially successful but creatively bankrupt.
That. Just. Happened.: Jack and Jill
Because not matter what your mind wants to believe, yes, that just happened.
The “What is This I Don’t Even…” Award: Immortals
Because we don’t know what is happening when we see this “movie”.
The Highest Grossing Movie that NOBODY Saw: Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides
Made by drones for drones.
Feel Good Movie of the Year: The Muppets
Manliest Usage of a Rainbow: The Rainbow Bridge in Thor
FINALLY, THANK YOU: Captain America
Easily the best super hero movie of the year, and very possibly one of the best of all time. Finally, a movie that makes us feel like kids again, with effects SO seamless, you don’t care how they did it.
Most Overused Theme (Winner) – Animals: The Eagle, Rango, Hop, Born To Be Wild 3D, Rio, African Cats, The Beaver, Kung Fu Panda, Lion of Judah, Mr. Poppers Penguins, Zookeeper, Shark Night 3D, Lion King 3D, Dolphin Tale, Puss In Boots, Happy Feet Two, Alvin and Chipmunks:ChipWrecked, We Bought a Zoo, War Horse.
Most Overused Theme (Runner Up) – Aliens: I Am Number Four, Battle Los Angeles, Mars Needs Moms, Paul, Super 8, Transformers: Dark of the Moon, Cowboys Vs. Aliens, Attack The Block, Apollo 18, The Darkest Hour.
Why We Hated Green in 2011: Green Hornet, Green Lantern
Why We Loved Green in 2011: Kermit, The Muppets
Comic Book Movie We Didn’t Know We Wanted, But Can’t Live Without: X-Men: First Class
Comic Book Movie We Thought We Wanted, But Can Totally Live Without: Green Lantern
Comic Book Movie That We Didn’t Want and Can Totally Live Without: Green Hornet
Invasion of the Things Pretending to be Real Movies: Darkest Hour, Chronicle, Joyful Noise, One for the Money, Immortals, We Bought a Zoo
Biggest Backlash Against Blurry Out of Context Paparazzi Shots (Winner): The Dark Knight Rises
Feels like this entire film has been documented by YouTube.
That’s it, Moguls!
It wasn’t the best year for entertainment, but then, what would we do if it was?
See you next year for the LAST CHAIRYS EVER!! (Assuming the Mayans knew what they were talking about)