Failed or Nailed – G.I.Joe: Retaliation
Last week, this trailer was released into the wild.
Now, we at the Armchair LOVE us some G.I.Joe. And not in some kitschy, Hot Topic, douche-baggery, sort of way. No. We love G.I.Joe because we were there when it happened. We were there when Baroness invented Au De Cobra, a perfume that caused men to become slaves to he will. We were there when Cobra Commander replaced the hollowed out missiles atop Red Rocker Diners all over the world and aimed them at all the major American cities. We were even there when Duke took a snake to the heart to save his never-seen-before-or-since half brother Lt. Falcon.
Then came the movie. A movie that became such a commercial success that it spawned two sequels and grossed over two billion dollars. And that movie… was Transformers.
The G.I.Joe movie kinda sucked.
So that’s why we’re hopeful about Retaliation. Sure, the director is untested. Sure, it seems a bit campy and over the top. But, you did read the bit above about enchanted perfumes and live snakes used as spears, right? That craziness is in the very DNA of G.I.Joe.
See, there are TWO versions of G.I.Joe: the cartoon and the comics. The comics were more straight forward in terms of the tone and felt more like a Die Hard/Predator era John McTiernen movie. The cartoon was…well, see above.
The Rise of Cobra was closer to the cartoon but ignored, overlooked or overwrote some key points that Joe fans needed to stay intact in terms of aesthetics and mythology. But it looks like Retaliation – which we’re told by our sources on the set, Hasbro has a much stronger hand in – is addressing those errors.
So fire up your Seven Nation Army dub step and check out the TOP FIVE things that give us hope in the new G.I.Joe trailer:
5. The Plot (Dead Joes)
While we don’t know the finer details of the story, we do know this – the Joes have been betrayed by the government and are outlaws – Renegades, if you will. While this only happened once or twice in the 80’s cartoon, it was the very premise of the new Hub series and that worked pretty well. Plus, in movies, it always helps to have an underdog to root for. This storyline also comes with bonus features: Look, we won’t mince words here…we HATED the casting in the first flick. HATED IT. Except for Stormshadow, EVERYONE was horribly, horribly cast. This new flick remedies most of that problem by KILLING THEM ALL OFF in the first 10 minutes, leaving a small handful of bigger named, bigger talented Joes to fill their shoes. See number 4!
The Rock – no, we won’t call him by his Disney name – is PERFECT for G.I.Joe. And if you want him in the flick, Roadblock is a perfect fit for him. First off, Roadblock’s ACTUALLY a prominent character from the show. He’s not some background dude they played up and changed so a movie star could play him. Plus, he’s the same build, attitude and yes, skin tone, as The Rock. We say, NAILED.
3. Cobra Commander
We don’t throw the word ICONIC around lightly. So please understand the SHOCK we felt when Cobra Commander showed up on the silver screen looking like a glass squid was mating with his face when the original character sported not one, but TWO iconic looks! Thankfully, it looks like this one might get it right. Seriously. You’ve got a mirrored helmet and a dark hood to choose from and go with neither?! That’s like having Superman show up without his red trunks. Oh. Right.
In the G.I.Joe mythos, there actually WAS a guy named Joe waaay back in the day that the current team is named after. He was a tough-as-nails, veteran special ops soldier who was all about the job. Sort of a Bruce Willis type. Sooo, yeah. We’re cool with this one too.
1. SNAKE EYES HAS NO RUBBER MOUTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So what you, Moguls? Did they get it right this time? Are ninjas fighting on the side of a mountain just what Dr. Mindbender ordered? Is the director of the Justin Bieber movie gonna have a franchise on his hands? Hit us back. Yo Joe!