Armchair Mogul
The (backseat) driving force behind Hollywood. Way behind.

Failed or Nailed – G.I.Joe: Retaliation

Last week, this trailer was released into the wild.

Now, we at the Armchair LOVE us some G.I.Joe. And not in some kitschy, Hot Topic, douche-baggery, sort of way. No. We love G.I.Joe because we were there when it happened. We were there when Baroness invented Au De Cobra, a perfume that caused men to become slaves to he will. We were there when Cobra Commander replaced the hollowed out missiles atop Red Rocker Diners all over the world and aimed them at all the major American cities. We were even there when Duke took a snake to the heart to save his never-seen-before-or-since half brother Lt. Falcon.

Then came the movie. A movie that became such a commercial success that it spawned two sequels and grossed over two billion dollars. And that movie… was Transformers.

The G.I.Joe movie kinda sucked.

So that’s why we’re hopeful about Retaliation. Sure, the director is untested. Sure, it seems a  bit campy and over the top. But, you did read the bit above about enchanted perfumes and live snakes used as spears, right? That craziness is in the very DNA of G.I.Joe.

See, there are TWO versions of G.I.Joe: the cartoon and the comics. The comics were more straight forward in terms of the tone and felt more like a Die Hard/Predator era John McTiernen movie. The cartoon was…well, see above.

The Rise of Cobra was closer to the cartoon but ignored, overlooked or overwrote some key points that Joe fans needed to stay intact in terms of aesthetics and mythology. But it looks like Retaliation – which we’re told by our sources on the set, Hasbro has a much stronger hand in –  is addressing those errors.

So fire up your Seven Nation Army dub step and check out the TOP FIVE things that give us hope in the new G.I.Joe trailer:

5. The Plot (Dead Joes)

While we don’t know the finer details of the story, we do know this – the Joes have been betrayed by the government and are outlaws – Renegades, if you will. While this only happened once or twice in the 80’s cartoon, it was the very premise of the new Hub series and that worked pretty well. Plus, in movies, it always helps to have an underdog to root for. This storyline also comes with bonus features: Look, we won’t mince words here…we HATED the casting in the first flick. HATED IT. Except for Stormshadow, EVERYONE was horribly, horribly cast. This new flick remedies most of that problem by KILLING THEM ALL OFF in the first 10 minutes, leaving a small handful of bigger named, bigger talented Joes to fill their shoes. See number 4!

4. Roadblock

The Rock – no, we won’t call him by his Disney name – is PERFECT for G.I.Joe. And if you want him in the flick, Roadblock is a perfect fit for him. First off, Roadblock’s ACTUALLY a prominent character from the show. He’s not some background dude they played up and changed so a movie star could play him. Plus, he’s  the same build, attitude and yes, skin tone, as The Rock. We say, NAILED.

3. Cobra Commander

We don’t throw the word ICONIC around lightly. So please understand the SHOCK we felt when Cobra Commander showed up on the silver screen looking like a glass squid was mating with his face when the original character sported not one, but TWO iconic looks! Thankfully, it looks like this one might get it right. Seriously. You’ve got a mirrored helmet and a dark hood to choose from and go with neither?! That’s like having Superman show up without his red trunks. Oh. Right.

2. Joe

In the G.I.Joe mythos, there actually WAS a guy named Joe waaay back in the day that the current team is named after. He was a tough-as-nails, veteran special ops soldier who was all about the job. Sort of a Bruce Willis type. Sooo, yeah. We’re cool with this one too.

1. SNAKE EYES HAS NO RUBBER MOUTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Again…ICONIC. Hallelujah!

So what you, Moguls? Did they get it right this time? Are ninjas fighting on the side of a mountain just what Dr. Mindbender ordered? Is the director of the Justin Bieber movie gonna have a franchise on his hands? Hit us back. Yo Joe!

2 Responses to “Failed or Nailed – G.I.Joe: Retaliation”

  1. I am very hopefull for this sequel, too. I didn’t totally HATE the first movie, but there are some things that could have made it way better. There was enough action that made it fun, and the Baroness and Scarlett was enough eye-candy to keep me tuned in, but , like yourself, I grew up on this, so there were things I very much did not like. I totally agree on the Ripcord and CC, here are some other things:
    -why didn’t Snow Job or Iceburg lead the raid into the arctic? We don’t need a back story on the characters, just have them in there.
    -the Cobra and G.I. Joe uniforms sucked….bad.
    -Scarlet and Duke were a ‘thing’. I understand they had to change this for the Baroness to fit in, but still…
    -it simply lacked some classic Joes that could have made cameos or something…
    Those are just a few. I would love to see Shipwreck, Wild Bill, Gung Ho, Stalker, and Grunt (yes..GRUNT) for the Joes in the next one. For Cobra, they need the Dreadnoks for sure! Maybe Storm Shadow turns babyface and helps the Joes at the end?
    Just thowing this out there (hate me if you want) but what would you think of Tomax and Xamot in the third movie played by Dylan and Cole Sprouse????

  2. I agree about Snowjob, Iceburg or Frostbite not showing up for the actric part. That’s the WHOLE POINT of G.I.Joe…! There’s a specialist for every environment and every technology…! Having a scene take place in the arctic without bringing in one of their specialists is like having Transformers get into vehicles and drive around. You’re missing the point…!

    I don’t see Zac and Cody as a good fit for the twins but only because I associate them too much with their Disney stuff. Are they good actors? Can they pull it off?

    Also, I’d do anything to have Shipwreck in a movie but ONLY if he’s the right age (NOT 22) and salty as hell!

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