The 2010 CHAIRY AWARDS!!
Well, Moguls…tonight at midnight the credits will roll and 2010 will finally fade to black. It’s been a fun year for us here in the Armchair and as we make our way across the sticky floors of 2010, leaving behind all the scattered popcorn and candy wrappers of our 14th month as Hollywood know-it-alls, we can’t help but look back at the cinematic offerings of the past year and pass one last round of judgment on other people’s work in the form of thinly-veiled mock awards.
Ladies and Gentlemen, sit back, relax and call the shots as…
Best Trailer For a Movie You Didn’t See: Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga’Hoole
They should give Oscars for trailer soundtracks so Jordan Catalano could claim his prize.
Highest Grossing Movie You Didn’t See: Shrek Forever After ($238 Million)
Most Engaging Movie About the Least Engaging Subject Matter: The Social Network
Premise: A nerd is sued by other nerds over a website idea. Final product: eyes glued to the screen.
Least Engaging Movie About the Most Engaging Subject Matter: Tron: Legacy
Premise: A rebelious hacker enters a cyberspace world inside a computer to free his estranged father from the tyrannical rule of a world he created. Final product: Light Cycle express to dullsville.
Most Honest Movie Title: It’s Kind of a Funny Story
Most Ironic Title: Cop Out
The original title was A Couple of Dicks.
Most Giggles Over Movie Title: The Crazies
Worst Movie Title: Multiple Sarcasms
Groan. And not the good kind.
Most Misleading Title: 44 Inch Chest
Not what we expected…
Most Promising Premise: Easy A
Least Promising Premise: Burlesque
Weirdest Premise: The Human Centipede – First Sequence
See diagram. Nuff Said.
Most In Need of Subtitles: Ken Wantanabe in Inception
Have Your Cake And Eat It Too: Michael Cera in Youth in Revolt
Sure Cera gets bagged on for playing the same character in every movie. But you know what? It works. And most of the time when actors play against type, the performance is panned and the movie bombs. This called pulling a Jim Carrey. But we understand an actor’s urge to try something different, so kudos to Cera for finding a script where he got to experiment with the new while still makin’ with the familiar. Extra points for involving a mustache.
Best Twist: 3 way tie – Book of Eli, Shutter Island, The Last Airbender
Yes, Airbender. Why? It’s a movie by M. Knight Shyamalan with NO twist. What’s a bigger twist than that?
The Straw That Broke the Action Hero’s Back: The Tooth Fairy
After a mind-numbing run of family movies, there finally came a flick that forced Mr. Johnson to draw a line in the sand. The Tooth Fairy was the film that at long last killed off Dwayne Johnson and ushered in the return of The Rock with Faster. Which also failed.
Worst Tagline: From Paris with Love. “Two agents. One city. No merci.”
Smallest Area in Which To Stage A Movie: Frozen – a ski lift. Devil – an elevator. Buried – a casket.
Most Benefitted From Comparisons To Love, Actually: Valentine’s Day
Most Hurt From Comparisons To Love, Actually: Valentine’s Day
Action-Romantic Comedy Hybrid No Man Wanted to See: The Bounty Hunter
Action-Romantic Comedy Hybrid No Woman Wanted to See: The Bounty Hunter
Most Satisfying Movie in the World: How To Train Your Dragon
THIS. Is how you tell a story.
Most Overused Gimmick Sure To Wear Out Its Welcome Very, Very Soon Because It Makes Almost No Difference In The Final Product And Is Completely Forgotten About 20 Minutes Into Any Film No Matter How Well Executed: 3D
Best Marketing Campaign: tie: The Expendables, Tangled
Worst Marketing Campaign: The Tourist
We still have no idea what this film is about.
The Movie You’ve Already Forgotten: The Back-up Plan
Go ahead. Try to look it up. Even the Internet’s forgotten this film.
Worst Ending: Skyline
It must be seen to be believed. But seeing it results in braindeath. The choice is yours.
Best Movie Nobody Liked: Splice
The most honest and straightforward attempt at pure sci-fi in years was met with empty seats. Like every Adrian Brody film.
Worst Movie Everybody Loved: Clash of the Titans
Seriously, why would Zeus be helping Purseus overthrow his own rule? Nothing in this movie makes any sense.
Best Idea for Home Entertainment: Red Box
Most Schizophrenic Soundtrack: Kick-Ass
Best Onscreen Chemistry: Rapunzel and Flynn in Tangled
Worst Onscreen Chemistry: Ashton Kutcher and Katherine Heigl in Killers
The Film Most Asked For: Tron: Legacy
People have been clamoring for this film for decades. And rightfully so, since the subject matter of the 1982 original – interactive electronic gaming and the possibility of a cyberspace frontier – has boomed enormously in the last 20 years. Unfortunately, with the final product’s dull plotline and by-the-book directing, we’re afraid this OS is headed for deletion.
The Film Least Asked For: 3-way tie: A Nightmare on Elm Street, Yogi Bear, Little Fockers
Media Hype That Started WAAAAY Too Soon: Tron: Legacy
“Good Lord, How Many More of These Are There?”: Chronicles of Narni: the Voyage of the Dawn Treader
4 more to go.
Hairiest Chest: (Tie:) Benicio Del Toro in Wolfman, Russell Brand in Get Him to the Greek
Most Fun to Be Had at the Movies In 2010: Piranha 3D
Not only does this flick make the absolute BEST use of its 3D by treating it like the gimmick it actually is and throwing as much stuff at the audience that it can, but Piranha 3D somehow also managed to pull off a near-impossible filmmaking feat: It took matters like audience expectation, pacing, tone and character with the utmost seriousness while at the same time coming off like it’s not taking itself seriously at all – elevating what should’ve been another forgettable schlocky summer money-grab into the Armchair’s definition of a perfect movie…that is, a film that is exactly what it was meant to be. In this case, a bloody good time at the cinema.
So that’s it, Moguls. How’d we do? Is this how 2010 looked from your end of the Armchair? If not, let us know! If so, let us know!
In an increasingly fractured world where everyday it gets more unlikely any of us will have any shared experiences, here’s hoping the entertainment-makers of 2011 will give us all something we can talk about – for better or worse.
Until then, we remain snugly, smugly in our armchairs.
Happy New Year, everyone!