Armchair Mogul
The (backseat) driving force behind Hollywood. Way behind.

Editorial: “I think the character ‘Wolverine’ might actually suck.”


The following conversation never took place:

“Alright, I’ve got an idea for a superhero. Are you listening?”

“Yes.”

“His main personality trait… is he’s always surly…but…but… that’s okay because he’s actually a TOTAL psychopath. I mean he’s liable to just got off at any minute on anyone.”

“Ok. Like in a funny way?”

“No, I mean he is literally a PYSCHOPATH, like… in a split second he can just go NUTS and slash and destroy whatever is in front of him…”

“But…”

“Let me finish…okay, so let’s say we give him this HUGE EFFIN’ KNIFE… that is special… because it can cut through ANYTHING, like ANYTHING!!! So that way, when he goes off, he just hacks and slices, and stabs and ravages things and people into meaty pulps.”

“I don’t think that will work because…”

“Okay, let’s make it THREE huge knifes on each hand.”

“How would that be a superhero?”

“Because he’ll get in fights with both good AND bad guys… and the kids will love him. The knives can cut through anything so he will destroy anything he hits”

“You’re fired.”

Have you guys ever thought about Wolverine now that you are an adult?

He has the sharpest knives on the planet, and they are made of a metal that can cut through almost anything but itself.

Following that logic, Wolverine should have already killed just about everyone in the Marvel Universe.

The problem with making your character have KNIVES for weapons, (much less ones that can cut through anything,) is that unless his opponent ends up dead or close to it, your character sucks, right?

It would be like making a ‘war hero’ type character that is an expert marksmen, who can shoot a fly at 200 yards, but his bullets explode into dust on impact.

They are INDESTRUCTABLE KNIVES! If he swings at anything it should be gone right? Slashed. Cut. Obliterated.

Even in video games, ALL HE DOES IS SLASH! “Ow…quit it!” the opponents say.

Even fighting Cyclops, the biggest pansy of the X-Men…

 

Claws that can cut through ANYTHING… except for spandex.

How has he not killed everyone he has ever fought?

Here are some possible reasons:

  1. Wolverine is a horrible fighter and has actually landed about 9 punches in 20 years.
  2. His claws are made out of Nerf
  3. He has incredible control and only wants to destroy people’s outfits

 Folks, how is this character the most popular superhero for kids in the Marvel Universe? Hit me up, change my mind, please.

-Voodrew

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5 Responses to “Editorial: “I think the character ‘Wolverine’ might actually suck.””

  1. The full force of Wolverine’s fury is never realized in the heat of battle. It is felt hours later when the opponent is sitting at home, settling in for a nice evening in front of the TV with a cold drink and a big sandwich. It is during that calm when the million tiny paper cuts are felt. “For the love of God! I’d rather be dead than suffer these million little paper cuts!” A long, lingering hell on earth.

  2. Cuz he’s Hot!

  3. Logan doesn’t suck, the writers do. Someone came up with a badass character and then the editors decide to put safety mits on him. Growing up I would think ‘ oh son, look at that cover…he’s going ape shit on those ninjas. This must be the issue he starts cutting into bitches and making need for some stitches.’, then get home and all he is doing is punching and getting hurt. One of the most memorable moments is when he fought the guy with the rings and slipped two blades past his neck and THREATENED to pop the third one. That’s how bad we were all jonesing for the fury….then I just walked away from the whole situation. I can only date the hottest girl for so long till I realize we are going ever going to hold hands.
    So as stated above….Wolverine=badass, his handlers=suck it. I will return when they unhook the leash.

  4. if Wolverine sucks, then Superman is garbage. Only one weakness? Yeah, thats not bound to get repetitive.

  5. Wolverine is Awesome because everyone loves the word, “SNIKT!” Really.
    Everyone.


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