Armchair Mogul
The (backseat) driving force behind Hollywood. Way behind.

It’s 2010! Only Five More Years ‘Til ‘The Future!’

Okay Moguls, its 2010. You know what that means? It’s only 5 years until …THE FUTURE!

Well…The Back to the Future II ‘future,’ which to me has been the OFFICIAL future ever since I laid my 12 year old peepers on it. I have never even considered the Running Man future, or Logan’s Run future, (or the countless others) because the BTTF2 future seemed to be that perfect mix of magic and reality. As a kid, it wasn’t like you were watching a possibility, it almost felt like you were watching a documentary.

Well, call it pathetic, but to me…it’s GOT TO HAPPEN THIS WAY. We HAVE to make it work EXACTLY like that movie. We have 5 years to pull it off, or my life might be a total sham.

Here are some things we have 5 years to get into practice. Come on people, let’s get this done.

1. Flying Cars – One of the most famous lines of my generation is “It’s the future, where’s my flying car?” Well, here’s the thing, they are here. They may not look like sleek hotrods yet, but they are here, and a according to MIT, they will be available to the public by 2011. Some of the more promising and cooler ones are the Terrafugia and the Pal-V This is a far cry from having “Air Highways” in the movie, but they are showing SOME promise. The logistics in bringing flying cars to every major city is going to be a nightmare and probably will take decades, but I declare this one “On the right path.”

2. Hoverboards – Everybody and their brother remembers the urban legend of Mattel actually producing Hoverboards in the late 80’s, but they got recalled because parents thought they were too dangerous. It never happened. There is even a documentary on the DVD talking about how hard it was to even FAKE them. This one isn’t going to happen. Let’s just admit it. Now before everyone writes in to tell me that Hoverboards do exist, come on, be honest with yourself. You see the skater punks down the street lining up to buy this?

We are a far cry away from the Bulldog, much less the Barbie pink Mattel version for girls. There is always hope though in the heart of this fanboy.

3. Self Lacing Sneakers – This one SEEMS to be the most realistic goal, as a matter of fact, Nike released the future-retro “2015 Hyperdunks” last year, but they are basically really expensive Nike’s painted to look like they are from Back to the Future 2.

The bad thing is, the ONLY thing that made these cool in the movie was the fact that they laced themselves up and lit up when you put your feet in. These are basically like painting your Yugo to look like the Delorean from the movie. Don’t tell me that someone can’t figure out how to make self lacing shoes in 5 years. Then Nike can sell them for an ungodly sum of money, but at least they’ll be out there, right?

4. Holograms – Unfortunately, this may be another thing we will not see in our lifetime. Holograms exist in many forms, but we’re far from being eaten by a holographic shark on the sidewalk. According to Liti3D, who are on the cutting edge of Hologram technology… “To create any of these holograms in real life would break several laws of physics. The primary one is the rule that light likes to travel in a straight line. Thus, it makes physics unhappy when a beam of light comes out of R2D2, goes to a point in the middle of the room to form an image of Princess Leia, and then bends in mid-air to come to your eye so that you can see it. And no, there isn’t any mist or smoke that we know of that could accomplish this task.”

There are actually some things they have gotten right already:

1. Multiple Channel TV viewing for youngsters: PNP TVs have been around for a while, and the fact that kids are on their computer, watching TV, reading a novel and texting at the same time seems like it’s a shoo in for 2015.

2. Video Games without hands: The kids were bummed about playing “Wild Gunmen” in the 80’s café because you actually had to use your hands. Xbox’s Project Natal has introduced complete hands free gaming.

3. TV Glasses: Yes they exist, ( Vuzix glasses) no, no one is using them.

Alas, there are still douches in the future.

4. Slamball: The “USA Today” paper that Marty holds mentions a sport called Slamball, which wasn’t around in ‘89. But… in 2002, a sport called Slamball debuted, mixing basketball and trampolines. Not sure if this is art imitating life, or vise versa.

5. The term “Low Res” – While it might mean something different in the future (McFly is too Low Res to be associated with Biff) it still isn’t a term that was used in 1989. We still have 5 years to put it into practice in that context, along with: Bojo, Crag, Nump, Pissquanced, Trank, and Ziphead

6. Video Billboards: Granted they aren’t the cool holograms we see in the movie, there are indeed LCD billboards all over America. Take a look at Times Square!

There are some things they got wrong:

1. The USA Today says “Washington Prepares for Queen Diana’s visit”: Unfortunately, unless she is reanimated, it isn’t going to happen.

2. Phone booths, Fax Machines and Newspapers: Almost all are done for. With cell phones, and the world wide interwebs. We’ve rendered them useless. Here in 2010 they are already 80% out the door, although Newspapers will take a little longer than the others to die out.

There are some others, like Laserdiscs and thumbprint scans for EVERYTHING… but let’s stay positive here.

What do you think Moguls? Anything from the movie you want to see in 5 years?


5 Responses to “It’s 2010! Only Five More Years ‘Til ‘The Future!’”

  1. Looks like I’d better put some money on the Cubbies!

  2. This is my fault. I couldn’t find my sunglasses the other day so lept back in time to see where I put them. Unfortunately, i went back too far, ran into some people I shouldn’t have, had some conversations I shouldn’t have and, well, long story short, not only are you NOT getting the stuff you wanted but the universe might collapse any minute because of all the paradoxes I created. For instance, I’m simultaneously writing this response tomorrow and 20 years ago.

  3. My husband and I watched all 3 movies over the Christmas break and were JUST having this same conversation…comparing the things that were supposed to be in the future with what’s actually here now. We had a good laugh about fax machines and hoverboards. I love this post!! Hilarious!! 🙂

  4. …Oh, and Zack says he needs to see some self-drying jackets asap.

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