Armchair Mogul
The (backseat) driving force behind Hollywood. Way behind.

Yo Joe…what up with your movie?

Greetings Moguls,

Over this long Thanksgiving holiday I got the chance to catch up on DVD a flick I somehow missed in theaters:  GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra.  

First off, is it really the rise of the Cobra? It seems like Cobra’s underwater lair is pretty well-established from the start.  

You know what else is well-established? The film’s far-fetched technology! I realize they decided to set the movie in the not too distant future so they could have some cool gadgets to play with, but come on!  

I already have to wrap my mind around Snake Eyes’ fabulous outfit, how am I suppose to buy that: the Joes have super suits that can be controlled by your thoughts, Cobra has midi-chlorians that can eat whole cities, those same midichlorians or nanobots can turn ordinary men into super soldiers, Cobra has a face-changing barber chair that works on everybody but him, the bad guys have omnipotent blaster guns at their disposal but  they only use sometimes, (huh? wha?), now we have holograms that are photorealistic, we can turn dead people’s brain waves into jpgs, and all manner of cool space planes and space subs.  

I don’t mind having some cool technology, especially since they were obviously trying to make a live action reboot of the 1980’s animated series, but it was a little too much for me to take in. I would have enjoyed it more if it didn’t claim to be a GI Joe movie, maybe if it were called “Future Forces That Can Do Anything They Dream!” which will probably be the title of the japanese DVD release.

I won’t even get into the plot, which was equally hard to swallow.  I guess I just wanted a gritty masculine movie based on the GI Joe character rather than the GI Joe cartoon.  The filmmakers spent $200 million attempting the latter, and they probably think they nailed it.  I don’t. did a better job nailing it with this star-studded, comical tie-in earlier this year that probably cost $200.  (Plus it’s got Olivia Wilde as the Baroness going crazy on the clarinet..!)

Check it out:

3 Responses to “Yo Joe…what up with your movie?”

  1. Beaumaloe, we’ve made a composite sketch of the culprit based on your detailed testimony of technical wizardry and far-fetchedness. We’re going to show it to you now.

    Beaumaloe, are THESE the men that touched you?

  2. I like how the “Rise of Cobra” started with them not in power, spent the movie trying to get power and then ended with everything they had in their power sinking to the bottom of the ocean ….and then them getting locked away in air tight tubes. Where is the rise part?

  3. “G.I.Joe: The Rise (and Subsequent Fall) of an organization formerlly known as M.A.R.S., but Heretofore to be Referred to as Cobra Most Likey”

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